Bittersweet
by NothingIcanSay
Summary: It was nothing but a dream now; a distant memory that would remain forgotten until remembered. Their romance was doomed from the beginning. There was really no chance of anything deeper other than foolish first love.


**Best viewed in the 3/4ths setting (Usually, I'd advice 1/2 but then it would be too cramped).**

Okay, first thing is first. Because of the mood I set in the story, there is a high chance of OOCness. It's heavily inspired by heavily inspired by Gumi's 'Campanella' and The Craiglist Ad of the man who saw his ex-wife in the subway. I also played a bit with Berwald since I think he'd make a pretty good pianist. It took me _one week_ to write this and I suffered a few sleepless nights as well because good god, some parts had to undergo revisions because I didn't like it. And this is the end product and I'm really happy with it. I haven't fully beta'd thefic since I worked alone. Please pardon the errors for the meantime.

So for the first time, I will actually ask you to **read and review** because I want to hear what you think. If you don't want to, I'd highly understand. I'm not forcing you. Let's begin.

**Rated: M** (Implications of sex, a load of drunk men, and foolish choices)

* * *

**.**

**BITTERSWEET**

**.**

* * *

The word was stuck in his head. Frustrating, imprinted, permanent. He cannot shake it from his mind. It was just another spur of the moment thinking; another random word that his mind had conjured out of nowhere. But at the same time, the thought can't be random. It can't be. Reason was telling him there was cause for why he had thought that; probably a distant memory buried deep in his mind, hiding under the recesses the fold of his mind had created from years of experience. Bittersweet. Why the sudden word?

He folded his news paper noisily and looked up.

His eyes locked with a lovely shade of sea blue ones.

Recognition.

It was gone in a flash, as the subway doors close and the train speeds off, hiding the figure of a man behind metal doors. He is left sitting on the station, eyes following the car that had just left and he is stuck. The cogs in his mind began to turn in high speed, unusual on a lazy Monday morning. It digs out a memory long gone; fishing it from the deep folds his mind has created. Suddenly, he remembers who that man was. He remembers those sea blue eyes and the way they looked at him so long ago.

Bittersweet.

It was a reminder of a relationship that had long since gone cold.

* * *

**I.**

'_I want to meet,_

_All the fish in the milky way.'_

* * *

He was a freshman straight out of high school. A strict, commanding figure from days shaped in school and experiences that created him. He was new to this place; new to this city. Most of all, he was new to the ecosystem of the university. A world where no one knew him, a world where he was supposed to learn how to survive. It was a sad thing, being placed in a dorm that was once an office building. It had the musty smell of old age that was quite attractive and it was a relatively dingy in appearance. The furniture was not so new either, and the walls were dirty white and all thin.

He could hear the voices of the other occupants of the dorm when they spoke or played loud music. The workings of the pipes in the bathrooms sent comforting vibrations once in a while, and sometimes it was just too creepy to hear. It was a lonely thing to have a room to himself. Then again, in this dorm everyone had their own rooms but that didn't stop them from their various shenanigans. He felt disjointed from reality when he watched the various upperclassmen in his building argue and go on with their daily lives. He felt different. Odd and misplaced.

He was on friendly terms with all the other occupants of the dorm, but he wasn't particularly close with any of them. Most of them were loud and obnoxious. It left no space for Ludwig to be alone with himself when he could hear their noises from across the hall. It only quieted down in the early hours of the morning, and Ludwig had to adjust to them by sleeping earlier, and waking up earlier to study.

There was a strange joy in waking up early to come into terms with a quiet house filled with nothing but the gentle sounds of sleep. It was lonely, but a welcome idea. Ludwig had been following this routine for the past two months and it had never failed him yet. Under the dim glow of yellow tinted lights, he had cracked his work book open and began to read. The minutes begin to tick by. The sun would soon begin to rise. A new day is dawning, and Fate will begin to unravel a newer chapter in the young blond's life. The timer begins to tick as the moon began to dip down into the horizon. And it counts backwards, letting the minutes pass. When the first rays of the sun had begun to kiss the earth and paint it orange, the timer reaches zero.

It has begun.

Ludwig's concentration is broken when the first few notes of a piano piece began to play. He glances up from his book as his eyes dart around the room. He could feel the walls vibrate as each key was pressed—a new note played. Calm and peaceful, the dorm doesn't stir awake at the sound of the piece. The world doesn't stir but something in him does. It coaxed him off his seat as he began to walk out of his room, bare feet padding across the floor boards as he draws closer to the source. The tune grows louder the closer he gets, and the more he felt the notes stir an emotion nestled deep in his heart.

Ludwig stops at a door that had been left slightly a jar.

This was it, the room where the music was coming from.

He took a peek, cautiously allowing his eyes to wander into the room. His eyes landed on the figure of a man, hunched over a well polished piano as he played. It was a tantalizing view to watch, the way the back is curved and the hands flew across the keys. He doesn't even realize the piece had come to an end. The only time he had returned to his senses was when he realized a pair of the loveliest sea blue eyes he had ever seen were staring straight at him.

* * *

**II.**

'_So I'll make a plane_

_Made of paper and tape.'_

* * *

Ludwig hasn't been able to catch the pianist. No matter how hard he had tried to catch sight of the sea blue gaze again, it was either he was too late or he simply didn't come back. He found it frustrating that he always missed the chance. There was never a sign of him anywhere during the day; he never appeared around the dorm and was only around for sleep and a place to bunk in general. It almost felt as if he doesn't want to be found, or he didn't want to socialize. It is through eavesdropping into the conversations of the other occupants that he gains information. He learned of little bits and pieces such as he is a junior business administration student, and he came from Sweden.

Ludwig had accepted the fact that he wouldn't be able to talk to him, at least, not in this school year. And if he kept this up even next year, then he wouldn't be able to talk to this upperclassman at all. It was disappointing, but he can't really control fate. Everything was left to whatever was planned. If it wasn't supposed to happen, then it wasn't. He'd have to drown himself in wurst for breakfast to feel a little bit better.

Well, not that he felt upset.

The German rounded the corner heading to the dorm's kitchen area and he could hear the clinking of metal against metal followed by a voice belting out the lyrics to his heart's content. It doesn't take long for Ludwig to even realize that it was Arthur Kirkland. The Briton was usually up when dawn has broken through the night mainly to cook breakfast for everyone. Ludwig assumed that he or the Swede are the ones who are usually the first and second to rise out of bed, and Arthur would usually be the third.

He pushed the door open and suddenly, he is taken a back. There was another person present in the kitchen—someone he doesn't usually expect to see until thirty minutes later. Kiku Honda seemed to be wide awake and sipping tea, watching the Englishman's antics from where he sat by the island counter. Their eyes meet and suddenly, the music is cut short and Arthur cleared his throat.

"You're awake."

Ludwig's cold blue eyes train themselves on the male. "Enjoying your cooking?" He questioned, finally stepping into the kitchen and making his way towards the fridge to get some wurst. He glanced cautiously at Arthur, who had gone back to cooking whatever failed dish he could come up with this time. He had a whole loaf of bread on the counter together with various vegetables, cheeses, meats, and bacon. It was easy for Ludwig to assume that it was a sandwich.

"Quite so. I expect to be serving a club sandwich for breakfast."

Ludwig tossed a glance at the Japanese man sitting in the middle of the room. His eyes met with the deep black ones and he swore that they both had shared a look of terror. It was no secret Arthur was a terrible cook and everyone will have to deal with it when they wake up. Matthew, the resident Canadian, would probably take out another one of his bottles of maple syrup from his endless supply and drown it in the substance when Arthur wasn't looking. It usually made it better for everyone. It made a subtle difference in the taste, but it's still a difference nonetheless.

Ludwig could hear Francis poking fun at the Briton already.

"I heard from Berwald that you've met him." Kiku quipped up, trying to start a conversation. It made Ludwig's ears twitch at the mention of a name he wasn't familiar with. Berwald? Who was that? He tried to rack his head for a name that suited the face and found none. No, he was sure he knew everyone in the dorm. There was a name for every face not unless—Ah. Berwald must be the name of the pianist. Silly him for being slow. Of course he would know Kiku and everyone else. Almost everyone had been in the dorm for years on end, the only real freshman being Eduard, Toris, Tino, and himself.

"Yes. I have." Ludwig responded. He didn't stop from preparing his own breakfast. He had already taken out the pieces he needed and had tossed them into a pan. All he needed to do now was to convince Arthur to give him some space on the stove. It's not usually an easy feat, but a part of him felt that he'd have some luck today in convincing him faster. The presence of Kiku seemed promising. He may as well take that advantage.

"It must've been bloody scary." Arthur said with the shake of his head. Ludwig didn't even need to say anything to have Arthur move over a bit. The Junior had stepped aside by his own accord, even going as far as to light up one section up with fire for Ludwig already. "A miracle you didn't faint that night. We had to deal with a frightened Tino and Eduard when they first met him." He added.

Ludwig shot him a questioning glance.

"He's not that bad." A silent voice from behind. It was Kiku no doubt, tossing in his two cents into the topic. "His appearance is just scary but he's harmless." He added. It earned him a scoff from Arthur.

"Bollocks. I'm just saying that Oxenstierna is terrifying upon first glance. Remember, at one point most of us were scared of him." Arthur had retorted. Ludwig found it amusing when he had used his plastic spatula as a tool to prove a point. "Of course, it seems like our friend here is one of _those_ guys. Ivan, Matthias, and the select few who weren't afraid of him." He added, spinning on his heel to get back to his already burning batter. "What do you call those guys again? The Tall…Tall and dark group! That's it."

Ludwig wanted to step in and tell Arthur it was time he stopped cooking, though he can't exactly leave his own wurst on the stove. It seemed like something was beginning to bubble and sizzle. The German chose the safest course of action and turned off his section on the stove, covered his wurst and took the frying pan with him as he made his way to where Kiku was. The small Japanese man had decided to duck under the island counter with his tea, as he was crouched on the floor with worry. Ludwig decided to join him for safety reasons.

"I wouldn't be surprised if Ludwig, Berwald, and Ivan all joined forces and created the Tall and Dark trio. It would definitely be—" A muffled boom was heard and suddenly smoke filled the kitchen. The fire alarm began to whine as the sprinklers began to give them a free shower early in the morning. He could hear various footsteps and yelling beginning to erupt from the floor above them as everyone was rising from their slumber, screaming profanities in various languages. They all shared one common thing—Arthur's name. He glanced over as Kiku's petite frame shook with gentle laughter beside him, and Ludwig couldn't help but smile just as heavy footfalls began to thunder down the steps.

* * *

**III.**

'_I'll make a hovercraft-_

_A basket and some balloons.'_

* * *

The man was a fleeting figure throughout the dorm. Ludwig later learned that he was often out due to his part-time job, a scholarship student it seemed. And he was only truly around during his free day and only to freshen up and to sleep. He never really got to sit down over a meal with Berwald. He was always gone before the timer could reach 20 minutes. Yet, the more he got to see the upper classman, the more Ludwig couldn't shake the feeling off.

_Fascination_ doesn't cut it.

It felt deeper than that. There was an emotional pull, a force that tugged his inside whenever he got the idea that he was around. A sense of awkwardness—the embarrassing type, but it was mixed on with a shade of a pleasant feeling. It was almost as if there was a strange sense of fluttering deep within. He figured it was just the feeling a new student would feel towards an upperclassman. It was nothing short of admiration for a hardworking scholar. The anticipation in removing the veil of mystery that shrouded a person he barely knew, and barely spoke to.

It was an innocent thought, but a good thought regardless. A nice beginning for a possible friendship that could bloom if given the time and proper circumstances. If that friendship never happens, it was a nice thought to have had someone to look up to. Gilbert wasn't much of a role model, and still isn't much of one. God knows what his big brother could be doing. The albino could be cooped up in the basement again, wasting his days away playing video games and heading out for a chat or to work once in a while. He left the thought as that. It was safer to think things were that way instead of creating further implications upon himself (there was an unshakable feeling that it simply _wasn't_ that way and that there was more under that gut feeling).

To be honest, it was getting harder to shrug off the feeling. He deemed it as nothing at first but then his thoughts had began to nag him too much to the point that he wastes precious minutes wide awake in bed, wondering what exactly was _there_. An unshakable force; an unnamed emotion. What was the proper to word to describe what exactly he felt? He spent some of his spare, idle time raking through the dictionary of emotions to indentify the symptoms. Yet no matter how hard he had searched, no answer came out. There was simply not enough information to pinpoint what it was exactly.

But eventually he does.

He met another dawn just doing his school work, tired with his mind a scattered mess of information and lack of sleep. Nothing processed properly into his mind anymore, and he definitely felt all funny and fuzzy in the inside; the feeling of the need to burst out laughing and crying at the same time for no apparent reason. It is on the verge of passing out and staying awake that the melody reaches to him again, lulling him out of his dorm room in a cold autumn morning. He doesn't think—doesn't realize. He just moved on his own without much of a regard.

He only realized he had left his dorm room once he was inside the music room itself. He had been awkwardly placed in a corner close to the door and all instincts of fight or flight have left his senses. Too tired to move, too tired to deal with anything. All he simply did was watch, whether he liked it or not. The piece eventually came to an end and silence filled the room. The other showed no signs of beginning a new piece or of even facing him. He was simply sat, back towards Ludwig wordless and still. Until eventually, he spoke.

"Freshman?"

Ludwig shifted. He didn't know what to do. Come closer, or to stand back? Confusion. How is a person supposed to react in a situation like this? He chose to stay where he stood, far from where Berwald sat by the piano, and decided it was more comfortable—if this could even be considered _comfortable_—to remain. "Freshman." He simply said. He saw him nod. The fluttering in his stomach began to intensify at the sudden acknowledgement and he could feel a part of him churning with pent up nervous energy. His eyes were glued as the figure stood up, reaching his full height as he began to take a few steps to where he stood.

Sea blue.

Ludwig was staring straight into the depths of the sea.

The sea, in turn, was looking right into him, as if his physical form were a sort of window and was staring straight into his soul. He doesn't even realize he was holding a breath until he was prompted for an aswer to a question that was proposed. He hadn't even realized he was questioned—drowning, drowning. He continued to drown into the depths of the stare.

"Would you like coffee?"

And suddenly, he was back into reality. He was gone from the deep depths and was now fully conscious he had been holding a breath. Ludwig exhaled and began to breathe steadily. As steadily as he could through the nerves that were acting up in the very fibre of his being. "Coffee?" He questioned. Yes or no. What should he answer. He played it safe by repeating what had been asked.

Hesitation. Berwald shifted and made his way to the door. He only stopped when he was half way through the door frame. He looked back at the German, before explaining his question (or perhaps he had asked the same thing, just in a different way). "I'll be making coffee before I leave. Would you like some?"

He nods mutely, and perhaps a little dumbly before he voices it out audibly with the simple response of a "Sure." And Berwald disappears out into the hall, Ludwig left alone in the piano room, standing off in the corner where he stares. By the gods, he could've burned the door frame with the intensity of his staring. Because now he wasn't quite sure that _admiration_ was the proper word anymore. As the flood of words that described emotion began to run quickly through his mind, fleeting and vague, one had particularly begun to stick out among all.

_Infatuation_.

The term felt right to his frayed nerves and it gave a little tingle the more he thought about it. Infatuation. He didn't think he could've created more implications and equations that he couldn't answer. Apparently he was wrong. He just did and it came in the form of one Berwald Oxenstierna and the other being emotions. They said college was an eye opener; the time of your life. Maybe, just maybe, they were right.

* * *

**IV.**

'_I watched it float up into the sky for a while,_

_It reminds me of that one time.'_

* * *

On Friday nights, Ivan Braginski always rung a little bell when the clock rings 9 in the evening. In the months Ludwig had been living in the dorm, he had already come to know these moments as the invitation to vodka night. Ivan would open up the basement alcohol cellar and take out a crate or two of vodka and other mixed wines. All those who had gathered in the central room usually hung around and picked out a bottle of what they'd like to drink and often sat around the place lazily as they took a drink. They often chatted and poked fun at each other. Casual friendship. Ivan would often sit around and facilitate since he held his liquor the best among everyone. He usually went back down to the basement when more drinks need to be had and usually reappeared with another full crate for their enjoyment.

Ludwig doesn't join in the festivity weekly, but he does join in often enough. Alcohol, he realized, is a very powerful thing. Addicting to his taste buds and the end result was definitely worth it, despite the horrible hangover in the morning. But he could deal with it, he usually did. He could hold his own anyway, and he didn't succumb to the intoxicating world of drunk stupidity too easily. He figured it took a lot of bottles before he could even reach that point. He liked the thought. At least he could keep a reign on when to stop or not. He usually sat around in the corner when it happens, simply watching as the others laughed and chatted. He spoke up sometimes, though he was often silent.

But tonight was different.

There was an air of excitement hanging in the central room and not the usual casual mood was draped. Oh no, even Ivan seemed a little pleased with himself as he took out an empty bottle of red wine and laid it down on the floor. He had placed it right smack in the middle of the room and everyone had gathered in a circle around it, a bottle in their hand. Ludwig knew these guys well enough to know that they were harmless—they'll probably dare you to do a few pranks but nothing too serious. Nothing that could kill anyone or create unwanted negative trauma. So he made some space for himself and settled down awkwardly between Antonio and Ivan. And soon enough the bottle had begun to spin, and the games have commenced.

Luck was on his side.

Ludwig had not been picked just yet. He didn't have to suffer answering embarrassing questions or being dared to do weird things like stripping his pants off and flinging it in the air like a lasso while having to run through the house screaming "YIPPE KIE YAY". He would've died of embarrassment. Even more so with the other, more absurd dares. The game went by with fierce laughter and heavy teasing from everyone. He was certainly enjoying the ordeal in his own, very Ludwig way until the bottle had stopped.

It was pointed straight at him.

And damn it, Matthias was the one who was supposed to give him a dare.

The Dane had beamed a drunk smile at him, swaying lightly from side to side and Ludwig felt that he was getting into some serious business. Yes, most definitely some serious business. Alfred gave out ridiculous dares, yes, and Francis asked some of the most embarrassing questions but Matthias was flat out embarrassing. He's seen what he had dared poor Alfred to do and now he got the short end of the stick. He wondered what he could be thinking of and by the gods, he knew that it was something that would make him want to drown himself in even more alcohol until he doesn't remember a thing.

"So I heard they made gay marriage legal already."

Oh god. He'll be marrying someone tonight. He was sure of it. His cheeks burned red with embarrassment and humiliation. Matthias had the liberty to choose who he'll be marrying. He was sure of it. He was, after all, the game master for this turn.

"So I like you to marry…" He was thankful when Matthias's voice trailed off as his eyes scanned the room for a possible victim. A lot of people had shook their head in disagreement, but there were others who simply shrugged. A door could be heard opening followed by someone coming into the room. Everyone was bubbling with heavy anticipation to even look up. The only person who had turned to look at the newcomer was Matthias, who practically beamed. "Why don't you marry Berwald?"

Ludwig blanched.

"Wha'?" Came the startled response from the Swede. Matthias laughed. "It's a daarreeee. You can always get it annulled later saying you were drunk and it was all half-assed." He reasoned out, jabbing an accusing finger at Ludwig. "Does everyone agree with this? If you do, yell aye and let's give these guys money for the certificate or…something. I heard it's 30 a pop." And the money began spilling in from drunk men laughing in amusement after yelling 'aye'. Even Ivan had chipped in a whooping 20 dollars to fund the "project". Ludwig buried his face in his hands.

This was seriously not happening.

"Alriiigghhhttt. Everyone is in favor and I got here a total of 100. Go get married." Matthias said cheerfully as he shoved the collected bills in Ludwig's direction. The flustered German didn't move. It was only when Antonio had nudged a sensitive side that he finally did make a move. He hesitated as he took the money and got up, walking over to where Berwald stood, glaring at Matthias and shaking his head. But he didn't object. It seemed like he understood the circumstances about the game.

They had simply walked over to the city hall located within the university and had signed the deal, all red and embarrassed with a paper signifying their legal "marriage" in their hands as they slowly made their way back. The silence was awkward and a little nerve wrecking, but it was nothing unpleasant. Neither of them had spoken on their walk back and both had their eyes focused straight ahead, minds probably swimming at the fact that—hot damn, they really are _married_ and trying so hard to avoid looking at each other out of confusion and sheer embarrassment.

So when they had gotten back to the dorm, they made their way to the central room and flashed the document quickly with gritted teeth where they had cheered and began to congratulate them on their new union. Apparently, neither of them really did want to stay in the central room out of sheer embarrassment and had simply grabbed a bottle and walked off. They didn't exactly split ways; they simply walked side by side as they climbed up the stairs and stumbled into the piano room where they drowned themselves silly, sitting side by side as they cursed the lights out of Matthias. After a while they were silent, and it had left Ludwig to thinking.

Thinking that maybe, in itself, this was a good thing since he was here, actually sitting with Berwald for more than a few minutes of coffee in the rare moments he had manage to caught him in the early mornings. And to think he was actually really _married_ to the junior he was infatuated with was a frightening yet a slightly welcome concept at the same time. Even if it would only be a thing that would go on for a few hours, it was definitely something they could laugh over later on and joke about. But he wondered if Berwald would take it lightly. Ludwig sighed and leans back, allowing his head to hit the wall lightly as he held a now empty bottle of beer in his hands. His thought processes were definitely intoxicated by now and he appreciated it at this point. He could just sleep this off and think about it in the morning when he was calmer.

"This…this is crazy." He complained.

A sigh. "It is." Berwald responded as he leaned back as well, perhaps to relax due to the possible stress the ordeal has brought. "But I don't…" He was about to say something though his voice trailed off as his eyes suddenly wandered off. He didn't say anything else. He simply shook his head as a sign that he didn't wish to expand on what he wanted to say. And Ludwig could understand that because he didn't think he had any proper words to say anything either.

The silence prevailed between them and soon it was beginning to lighten up and feel comfortable. No words were spoken between the two as they began to relax and eventually feel better. At least calmer enough to take in the new situation and accept it as it is for the meantime while they tried to work out an idea on what exactly they were planning to do next. Ludwig decided that it was best to voice out what he thought—the idea of humoring them for a few days before breaking it all off.

He cleared his throat.

How does he say this?

"I guess we'll be married for a few days then." He said as he finally turned, for the first time since the event, to look at Berwald. He had been looking away originally, but he slowly turned to face him, simply just so he could nod. "Until we can break it off." He agreed. And Ludwig finds himself drowning again in the split second of sea green. He finds himself pushing forward as their noses brushed. He didn't feel any nerves acting up, nor did Berwald even make the move to turn away and reject the advance. He just held still.

Intoxication had definitely gotten the best of him.

Their lips had touched for a moment or two, but it felt like an eternity. Everything had gone still and the laughed of all the drunk men downstairs seemed to have muted themselves off as he felt Berwald begin to kiss him back. It was a memory that had become frozen in his mind; a memory of an eternity and what must've felt like knowing what was lying ahead of him—the feeling of certainty despite uncertainty. The feeling of forever against the limitations of time. A timeless memory whose details would definitely become washed out later on, but the memories of his first kiss would always remained crystal clear.

His first kiss tasted bittersweet.

* * *

**V.**

'_I've gathered all my emotions,_

_And now, I'm going to see you.'_

* * *

No one expected that the dare's effects would be long lasting.

It spoke in volumes. It somehow left little room for questioning and it answered some of the unthinkable questions that hadn't existed until they had realized it. Yes, at the same time it had sparked more questions that no one had dared question out loud. Most of the boys in the dorm were well aware of the..situation that was going on and didn't bother to let it slip outside the confines of their four brick walls. No one outside their dorm needed to know. It would be their well kept secret. They all guarded it when they were outside. Knowing shared glances when they had passed by one another around the campus, but when they were back inside, without any visitors or outsiders to hear of their not-so-little secret, a flurry of friendly teasing would occur. Because it was official.

Berwald and Ludwig was the married couple.

The days had turned into weeks and those weeks had turned into months. They never went to file an annulment. Instead, it grew. Something had blossomed and most weren't sure if they had done it for the greater good. An honest coincidence. They were welcome to the thought of some of them being like that, since they had Arthur and Kiku around sure, but Berwald and Ludwig? Quite an honest surprise. Who would've thought some of the manliest men could swing that way? It prompted a few light hearted jokes from Ivan, and Matthias just got cockier as he pats himself on the back for a job well done.

Ludwig had often scoffed at their antics. Then again, it was a blessing in disguise. With the new twist with the current events, it had become a path to getting to spend time with the junior. And he was highly convinced it wasn't _just_ an infatuation. It was more than that. He was sure of it, after going out on all those dates they had dubbed as 'study time' so no one got suspicious and those rare nights wherein they slept in each other's beds side by side while jokingly calling each other 'hubby'. Each moment meant a lot; it always felt as if it could've been the last since he never knew when Berwald would decide to make the move of filling for an annulment. It was just a spur of the moment thing, after all. Something that was decided on a whim and went on simply because it was something that was entertaining while it lasted.

But tonight was different, most definitely. It was easy to tell. The dorm was still, oh so still and silent as everyone was probably asleep or studying. Warm kisses had trailed his jaw line. Slow, hungry, and addicting. It drove him mad. A cold hand was playing with the hem of his shirt, wanting but it definitively made no move to push the boundary that had been set. It was a taboo of sorts; the simple idea of knowing that there is a question hanging between. One word—or action is all it took to answer. One of approval could lead to a newer experience and that of disagreement could just let it all end and leave it for some other time.

If that some other time ever comes.

Ludwig figured this was that moment of choice. It was the breaking point; the so-called boss battle that they had to overcome in order to achieve a newer level of intimacy or the devastation of the newfound relationship. Now or never, there was no second chance. A war had begun in his head as the nerves at the bottom of his stomach began to act up, coiling and strangely pleasant. Yes? No?

He shut his eyes slowly, mouth opening as he let out a noise that signified that he was pleased.

Now or never.

All or nothing.

Ludwig decided that it was the better idea to take the leap. The simple act of jumping the boundary and treading into an unknown world was terrifying but at the same time exciting. The thought sent sparks running through his veins out of anticipation and nervousness. He was about to surrender almost everything he had to Berwald, who would be taking the lead. He can trust him, he was sure of that. He'll follow the beat of the music and dance with him, from the beginning up to the end. He took the chance and put a hand under Berwald's chin, drawing him up to capture his lips. His freehand bunched a handful of the Swede's shift for a long while, fisted tightly and he never let go. Not even when they had parted, and Ludwig was left gasping for air as sea blue eyes stared down at him.

"I need you."

That was all it took.

* * *

**VI.**

'_But it only means that, it only means that,_

_You're just further away from me.'_

* * *

'_I think it's time to split.'_

Words he had been frightened to hear. With his sophomore year having come to an end, he saw it coming but he was never prepared for it. And although those words had been said a month ago in this very same piano room, it still rung in his ears clearly, as if it had been said just now in this very moment. Everything was silent. There was the profound idea of isolation present in the piano room. He pressed a key, allowing the note to ring into the room. Lingering. Ludwig figured, with all the seniors now beginning to move out after the graduation rites, he'll have to leave for the summer as well and find something better to do for the mean time.

He honestly had hung around until the graduation rites just to see the Seniors leave. More than half the dorm had been packed over the course of the preparation, and he realized how lonely it would seem that only he, Tino, Eduard, and a few others would remain. Ivan would no longer be hosting Friday night Vodka sessions. There won't be anyone burning down the kitchen for a serving of terrible scones, now that Arthur was gone. There won't be a use for maple syrup anymore. By next year, the stash of maple syrup would be gone as well, anyway, now that the half-brothers were on the chopping board.

Ludwig would remain, alone and in the presence of a new batch of people he did not know; people who would never be as quirky and amusing as the batch he is with now. In the span of the month they had spent as an officially 'annulled' (divorced was a funnier term, though annulled was more proper) couple, he had taken to crashing on Berwald's bed everyone in a while. The man never threw him out anyway. He just climbed on beside him and held him close, a hand running through his hair because the days were counted. Everything was coming to an end.

But the end came too soon.

Almost everyone was gone.

Ludwig was disturbed from his thoughts when a light tap on the door was heard. He turned to look, only to see Ivan peering in with a pleasant smile on his face. He still looked a bit sad despite how cheerful he looked. He had dealt with goodbyes. With last night's final Vodka Night, despite being a Saturday evening, everyone had joined in and drunk themselves silly. Silly enough to be making sappy speeches and bawling their eyes out enough to actually hug one another. They had to face the reality that in the morning, most would be leaving. And that's why Ludwig had been up early, because it meant he got to say a few goodbyes. And as usual, Arthur was the first to leave. But he wasn't alone, Kiku had been following him saying something about 'deciding to live together' or an idea close to that. Everyone else followed in a steady stream, all having flights they needed to catch.

By early afternoon, the only ones left in the dorm was him, Ivan and Berwald—oh god, _Berwald_ was leaving as well. On to somewhere else; on to a bigger universe that he had to face head on as an adult on his own two legs with no one to support him.

Ludwig hadn't even realized Ivan had stepped into the room until he had placed a hand on his shoulder. "I'll be leaving now. Now I'm gone, host Vodka nights for me." Ivan had requested. His tone was melancholic and Ludwig didn't have the heart to say no. He was tasked to keep Ivan's tradition alive so he may as well do so.

"Sure."

The hand squeezed his shoulder for a moment before drawing back. "Take care of yourself, da~" Those were Ivan's parting words as he turned around and left. It was just him and Berwald in the dorm now. Ludwig figured he'd have to leave soon. He still had to get to the airport to catch his flight to Seattle. Gilbert would probably be waiting for him then. After all, Gilbert was his only way back to Leavenworth. He hated the thought of making his brother wait.

"Leaving already?"

The voice made his skin crawl.

He spun on his heel and paused, finding himself staring straight into Berwald's sea blue eyes for one last time before they officially part ways. Realizing he had been asked a question, he nodded mutely, before making a move to leave the room. "I still need to get to the airport."

"Let's go together. I'm leaving as well."

He paused, looking up at the taller man. His face was devoid of any emotion other than seriousness. Then again, Berwald was always like that. Sometimes, Ludwig could never predict what exactly he was feeling or thinking under his stone mask of coldness. But he was sure of one thing. He was sincere with his offer.

Silence.

He doesn't say anything.

He is surprised this time when it was Berwald who initiated a kiss. It was different from everything else. It held a flurry of emotions such as longing, and sadness, but the heaviest of them all could be coined with a singular phrase.

_A bittersweet farewell._

* * *

**VII.**

'_You're just that further away from me now._

_That's all it means, after all.'_

* * *

When the new students had come in after summer had ended and autumn was high on their heads, Ludwig had entered the dorm to find that yes, there were a lot of new occupants coming in. Apparently, the dorm was now co-ed since he could swear there were ladies running around with baggage that needed to be kept. It was then that he had met Feliciano; young, spirited Feliciano. He knew the look that was plastered on the young one's face when he had passed by simply because he had been there. Feliciano had looked at him the same way Ludwig had looked at Berwald long ago, back when he was still around. It made him miss the Swede and the times that had already went by.

He didn't want to get close to the Italian.

Ludwig couldn't bear the thought of placing a new person into the spot that Berwald had once took, and he certainly did not want to repeat what had happened in the past. He took care, during Vodka Nights, that no one would dare anyone to get married the same way Matthias had. It seemed as if the others that were left had taken it upon themselves to fill in the empty gaps their seniors had left since there was always someone up early—it was either Matthew or Alfred who worked the kitchen in the mornings to make breakfast for everyone that same way Arthur had always done for them.

And it went on without incident, just like that. They were probably odd for upperclassmen since they seemed so detached. They were wishing for something that was gone and would never come back. The companionship of their elders that remained irreplaceable. Ludwig did his best to keep things casual with Feliciano as well; rejecting every romantic advance since he didn't want to hurt anyone. Didn't want to make a person suffer the same way he is right now.

He kept his distance, and it was going all too well. Even if Feliciano never gave up.

"Why don't you ever pay attention to me, ve?"

And so to be faced with a question such as that on a still night, he didn't know what to answer. Didn't dare to answer. It was best to be frank then and there instead of allowing another fox chase; the idea of rejection so the poor Italian can find other people to love. People who were more worth it people who weren't…people who weren't doomed. It had dawned upon Ludwig then what exactly had happened and it instilled a new pain in his chest as he looked away, unable to meet the Italian's eyes.

"Because it wouldn't work out." He was completely honest at that point. He didn't want to start another one, to start another cycle, another process, another _taboo _like he had almost two years ago. No, he didn't have it in his heart to make cheerful Feliciano feeling like this. Feeling like he was left behind to cope with whatever was left. He finally had mustered the courage to look at the rejected Italian and place a hand on his head, ruffling his hair lightly before walking away.

* * *

**VIII.**

'_Right from the beginning, I knew all along it's_

_Impossible to reach you even if I try this hard.'_

* * *

He never expected to meet Berwald again. Not under these circumstances. It had been a year or two ever since their eyes had locked in the subway and now here Berwald was, actually standing before him in the flesh with his face more defined with sharp features and still as handsome  
(or perhaps more handsome) with age. They had decided to hang out for a bit, mainly just to grab a coffee and sit. They talked of whatever had happened to each other, awkward and tense. There was a fourth wall in between; one they cannot break. They have new boundaries set before them. Ludwig had Feliciano now; he shouldn't be lingering over the thoughts of the first love he had lost.

And so when it was time to part and they had stood by the entrance of the café under the sun that was beginning to set, they were silent though the world is buzzing around them. Hanging in the space between them were the words they should've said, the things they should've been more honest about with each other and what ifs and maybes hanging still. Waiting to be said, but at the same time, can no longer be said because it was out of place. Unwelcome. They had their own families. There was no way they could ruin the lives they have built perfectly anymore since the result would be a massive disaster they won't be able to clean up.

He turned to look at Berwald, feeling the need to reach over and pull him close one last time, the last chance to say all he had failed to say before he slipped through his fingers and disappeared from his life yet again. So when Berwald had leaned forward as if to kiss him, he shut his eyes as if expecting it. He didn't move back, nor did he reject.

But it fell short.

Only the tips of their noses were touching.

His eyes fluttered open as he felt Berwald sigh upon his lips before pulling back—shattered hope. He doesn't say anything else as he straightened himself up and turned on his heel, walking away. Walking out of Ludwig's life yet again. Ludwig doesn't stop him nor does he say anything despite the want to say a lot. He doesn't have the right; doesn't feel like it was right because now it just felt _wrong_. So when Berwald stopped and spoke once more, his voice was crystal clear.

"You don't need me."

And he never turned to look at him, never looked back. He walked on as if nothing had ever happened and Ludwig wished that maybe he would've looked back just a little bit just so he could see those sea green eyes for one last time. But he knew the circumstances that held them back; knew the taboo that must not be broken. This was what was left of their relationship. It was nothing but a dream now; a distant memory that would remain forgotten until remembered. Their romance was doomed from the beginning. There was really no chance of anything deeper other than foolish first love. Their paths were too far apart to ever cross again by chance because all those years—all the years that had passed by was too big to even say that they were ever meant to be.

A wry smile curled on Ludwig's lips as he watched Berwald disappear in the distance. He'll march on beside Feliciano at this point. There was no other way than to keep going forward. Life must go on, relationships wither and die. A tragic truth. As he turned on his heel to walk away, he remembered what their first kiss tasted like, as well as their last. It was a clear memory around hazy details, of what it felt like to taste Berwald's lips upon his.

Bittersweet.

This chapter in his life had met it's end so long ago.


End file.
